Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.