Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.