Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.