couldn’t resist
You Might Also Like
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Brilliant!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Comparing yourself to others
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Reporter: *ports again*
This meal prepping shit easy
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”