Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG