Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?