Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?