Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan