Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
You Might Also Like
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Safety first
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!