could’ve been anyone
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco