could’ve been anyone
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.