Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
