Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

by any beans necessary

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.