Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?