[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If a snake ate a cake
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.