Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.