Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
You Might Also Like
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD