Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
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Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee