Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.