Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
As the Lord intended
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I can’t stop watching this.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.