Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

constantly working on myself.

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

My blood type is b hungry.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “