Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.