count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape