count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand