count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Word.
~ Microsoft.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”