Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Those are good neighbors.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.