Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.