Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again