Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

When someone says you are so lazy

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.