Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

At least he brought enough for everyone

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good