Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
bury ourselves
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.