Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.