Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
You Might Also Like
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!