Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard