Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
(yawn)
the zen of frog