Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

when u come home smelling like another dog

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”