Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
🤣🤣💀
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days