Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.