It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
You Might Also Like
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.