Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house