Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners