Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

the answer was staring at me all along

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender