Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.