Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Traveler’s camo