Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs