couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.