couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
dream blunt rotation
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
plums roundup
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.