Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You Might Also Like
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
What about a To-Don’t List?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine