Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

S O O N

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO