Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
the #horror is real!
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.