Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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Of course I’m wet baby, the heat index is 109 degrees.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.