Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

i hate you platonically

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

every olympics i turn into this guy

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

At Walmart during the holidays like..

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.