Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
181.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
the three branches of government
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
This line from Airplane.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.