Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

This can never not be funny 😭😭

A little too much information.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Looking at you, Jesus.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people