Couple goals
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Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
🤣
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
No.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.