Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!