Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.