COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
You Might Also Like
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?