Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

I don’t make the rules sorry

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

May never get over this

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]