Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag