Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

True.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.