Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight