[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
You Might Also Like
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
The booster protects against what, now?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.