*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
rebranding
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I have never related to a cat more
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
that lip filler tho
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
