Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.