COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.