Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey, bring out the fine china.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

why no one uses midhusbands

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer