Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”