Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

You don’t even know

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Not with that attitude

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*