me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message