Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

#NeverForget

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.