Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me: